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History, 102.

So I've been reading back through a bunch of my old journal entries and came across a comment from a friend that I'm going to post and talk about today:
A piece from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet":

"Your Joy is your sorrow unmasked.... The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you contain.... When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy."

I paused and re-read it. A few times. Then I started crying.

The obverse of his statement "that which has given you joy is the root of your sorrow" is so much more poignantly true to me and my life. I've been through some shit in my 27 years on this planet. I've been homeless twice. I dropped out of high school. I've had $60k/year jobs, and some years where I made less than $1k. I spent more 2 years ago on computer parts than I had made in income the previous year. I owned an exotic convertible sports car. I've been in more car accidents and -walked away- than most friends who've been in the hospital. I've had more than 10 friends die since high school. Hell, I had 2 friends die -during- high school. I've been in love, who hasn't. I love her still, and it tears me up that I can't be with her. I'm simply not the man that she needs in her life, and I know that in leaving I did more good than hurt. I've come to love someone new since I've been back, and I'm trying to keep hope that things will work. I spent 2 years not talking to my father once. I've spent 2 years not talking to my brother right now, waiting for an apology that he probably doesn't think he owes me. I've spent 5 years now reconnecting with my father and getting to know him as an adult. I'm glad my mother lives out here now, because I missed her when she was so far away. Japan, Micronesia, New Mexico, Alaska, whatever... I'm just glad she's here. I've had 2 step-fathers that I hated as a child. Looking back on it now... I was right. I've dated a completely crazy, bat-shit girl. I've dated completely sane ones that I still talk to. I've got an account on Facebook, MySpace, Tribe.net, Orkut, YouTube, Google, Livejournal and Yahoo. I use all of them regularly. I've learned how to do 3D rendering, but still can't draw a square with a pencil. I've been to Burning Man now for 4 years and am never quitting. Last year was the 15th Ren Faire I've worked, and I'm not quitting that either. The last "real" job I had was in April of 2007. I've kept in contact with people from 10+ years ago from high school. I've written off whole circles of friends in San Francisco.

I am posting this because I want feedback. Even if your feedback is just saying that you read it, I would like to see it. I'd like to know that I am affecting people in a good way. I'd like my family to take some time from their busy anti-Jay lives and realize how badly some of them have failed me. I'd like the others to know how much I appreciate their continuing effect on my life.


Mar. 11th, 2008 03:43 am (UTC)
Hehehe. I'll try to be more active, but life is keeping me pretty busy right now. ♥ to you anyway.
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:51 am (UTC)
And yes, I absolutely believe that I deserve an apology more than I deserve a relationship with my brother... He did me a wrong, I explained it to him twice now. The last time he and his wife were in town, he opted to stay home rather than go out with me, his wife, our father and stepmother.

I gave up trying to open up lines of communication with him and simply let it go, but he took things to a higher level and tried telling our sister that she shouldn't be talking to me either because I was a waste of time and ultimately a bad influence on her life. At that point I gave up.
Mar. 11th, 2008 04:46 am (UTC)
telling our sister that...

As the sister, I can confirm this.
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:51 pm (UTC)
dear, dont worry about it. i have the same problem. i am still an idealist tho

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