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History, 102.

So I've been reading back through a bunch of my old journal entries and came across a comment from a friend that I'm going to post and talk about today:
A piece from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet":

"Your Joy is your sorrow unmasked.... The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you contain.... When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy."

I paused and re-read it. A few times. Then I started crying.

The obverse of his statement "that which has given you joy is the root of your sorrow" is so much more poignantly true to me and my life. I've been through some shit in my 27 years on this planet. I've been homeless twice. I dropped out of high school. I've had $60k/year jobs, and some years where I made less than $1k. I spent more 2 years ago on computer parts than I had made in income the previous year. I owned an exotic convertible sports car. I've been in more car accidents and -walked away- than most friends who've been in the hospital. I've had more than 10 friends die since high school. Hell, I had 2 friends die -during- high school. I've been in love, who hasn't. I love her still, and it tears me up that I can't be with her. I'm simply not the man that she needs in her life, and I know that in leaving I did more good than hurt. I've come to love someone new since I've been back, and I'm trying to keep hope that things will work. I spent 2 years not talking to my father once. I've spent 2 years not talking to my brother right now, waiting for an apology that he probably doesn't think he owes me. I've spent 5 years now reconnecting with my father and getting to know him as an adult. I'm glad my mother lives out here now, because I missed her when she was so far away. Japan, Micronesia, New Mexico, Alaska, whatever... I'm just glad she's here. I've had 2 step-fathers that I hated as a child. Looking back on it now... I was right. I've dated a completely crazy, bat-shit girl. I've dated completely sane ones that I still talk to. I've got an account on Facebook, MySpace, Tribe.net, Orkut, YouTube, Google, Livejournal and Yahoo. I use all of them regularly. I've learned how to do 3D rendering, but still can't draw a square with a pencil. I've been to Burning Man now for 4 years and am never quitting. Last year was the 15th Ren Faire I've worked, and I'm not quitting that either. The last "real" job I had was in April of 2007. I've kept in contact with people from 10+ years ago from high school. I've written off whole circles of friends in San Francisco.



I am posting this because I want feedback. Even if your feedback is just saying that you read it, I would like to see it. I'd like to know that I am affecting people in a good way. I'd like my family to take some time from their busy anti-Jay lives and realize how badly some of them have failed me. I'd like the others to know how much I appreciate their continuing effect on my life.

Comments

( 56 comments — Leave a comment )
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phyxius
Mar. 10th, 2008 03:09 am (UTC)
<3
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:38 am (UTC)
♥ back to ya. :)
drkabyss11
Mar. 10th, 2008 03:20 am (UTC)
Dear Sir,
I have read the above. I know we are not very close friends, mere acquaintances really, but I am very happy I've met you. I am looking forward to running into you again. Your life to date sounds full and amazing, even if it was very hard at times.
Big hugs from a silly stranger:-D
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:39 am (UTC)
Ditto. :)
We'll see each other soon I'm sure.
mein_eschaton
Mar. 10th, 2008 03:28 am (UTC)
i read this <3
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:39 am (UTC)
♥ back to ya. :)
kayamackan
Mar. 10th, 2008 03:33 am (UTC)
Sounds like life
*hugs* miss talking to you...its crazy what all we go through in life isnt it?
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:39 am (UTC)
Re: Sounds like life
Miss talking to you too. We should catch up sometime.
Re: Sounds like life - kayamackan - Mar. 11th, 2008 05:23 am (UTC) - Expand
ladykalessia
Mar. 10th, 2008 03:37 am (UTC)
I'm here, I hear and am listening.

Edited at 2008-03-10 03:46 am (UTC)
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
Yay! ♥
spazzingwombat
Mar. 10th, 2008 04:14 am (UTC)
I've written things similar to this over the past few months. I keep coming to the conclusion that it's been an insane year, then realizing that it really has just been an insane life. So many ups and downs. So many things that I've just had to choose to learn from - which is positive and negative, though I focus on the former. I've started to try to be more realistic as to how it has impacted me negatively, at the same time as appreciating every detail of the beauty around me. The things within myself and the world I'm placed in which I can appreciate.
It does get confusing at times. I've been a walking contradiction this year more than most, which is why it has been brought so strongly to mind. I've opened a lot, and I've isolated a lot.
... but at least I'm learning.
Learning and some retention of self.
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)


'Nuff said.
divia
Mar. 10th, 2008 04:22 am (UTC)
I'm glad you made this post. It'll do you a lot of good. You've shared a lot with me and I know this is the step in the right direction. Keep at it.
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
I'm actually not sure how to take your comment.
ziacalgal
Mar. 10th, 2008 04:37 am (UTC)
I'll be here
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
Thank you!
angelcityblues
Mar. 10th, 2008 04:58 am (UTC)
I think you're a Good Person, Jay. I think, with a little practice, that you will eventually be a Great Person. Finding your sense of Zen, your center, your peace, whatever that thing is for you, will only be one little piece of that puzzle. But I am looking forward to seeing where this journey takes you. It is an important, and valuable, one. I hope that the people around you who love and care about you see that.
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:41 am (UTC)
mikela
Mar. 10th, 2008 07:41 am (UTC)
I miss talking to you. I don't think I realized that until just now, but I do. *hugs*
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:41 am (UTC)
*hugs* I miss you too. ♥
wvwdarkladywvw
Mar. 10th, 2008 12:22 pm (UTC)
add my own cents! *because im outta sense*
first some good, hey you forgot you had a mud friend that ended up in the same town and state for nearly the same reason! everythough i dont think ive ever thought of you as just a guy i had orginally met off the internet game. HOLY HELL you gave me my first serious drinking night 8 years ago. Then first time clubbing, 5 years ago.
lol we both got scars bumps and bruises from the same set of years i'll tell you some things i'll never forget, like meeting up with you in san fran and getting that sandwich at that shop on my birthday back in 01. i was trying to be all grown up about it and um... the sandwich just wasnt having it. i also remember you had menchen me in your blog that night with a rose anskii art. *at the time you were putting all your entrys in various arts*
i'll never forget that you offered me a place in albarquequry *to this day i still can't spell that bloody place* when i had first moved to texas, i think there was a few time where you offered to go beat up wiley for me. i also learned some harder lessons such as being your own person and not letting the person your in love with over ride your life. at the time i freaking cried over it but now im laughing at it i was a stupid 19 year old. *i really hope someone interject a who wasnt stupid at 18/19?*
your still one of my most favorite and trsuted of people, i still consiter you like the big brother i never had.
OH cant forget there was always la luna rouge! damnit boy only would can take me a place where everyone from every random circle of friends would be at, just like implicid dreams mud. i walk in DARKLADY! i knew everyone, just just the friendly hello i reconize you from the street but people that knew me well enough to pretty much guess what color underwear i had on.
You've been there for me through out a rough events and series of years, saved my freaking life, *for i realized hey if i kill myself im going to serious fucking hurt someone else? not just myself* not everyone will walk someone into a police department for any reason especially when they arent for a selffish one.
i can only hope throught the years that one my communication skills and social skills have gotten better from the first time i logged in at burning lands, and i sincerly hope i get to meet cha again sometime, been 8 months from the last aim, and about 3 years from the last time i saw yah. people get busy, such is life.

your friend always,
ginaloree
PS. .. ...
because i also think you can use it,,,

*super uber tackle hug*=jay is now uber squished
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:42 am (UTC)
Re: add my own cents! *because im outta sense*
lol. Thanks hon.
rivermilk
Mar. 10th, 2008 01:02 pm (UTC)
Jay,

Good vibes from you then.
Great vibes from you now.
They only get stronger with time.

p.s. I'm facebooking, too!
Look up Darah Wraine, let's merge.

Love on ya, dear friend.
Always and always and always.
xo.
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:42 am (UTC)
♥, ♥, and more ♥.
redpooka
Mar. 10th, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC)
pouncen pouncens

<3

I read it >^_^
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:42 am (UTC)
♥ back atcha!
datamoon
Mar. 10th, 2008 02:49 pm (UTC)
1. i'm not sure if i cmpltly agree w/that quote. a bit, but, i dunno, it just seems so grim, i guess. ive had a lot of joy & a lot of sorrow, & i'm an optimist, so i guess i just dont believe in something that sounds so grim. or maybe, i think we can have joy & sorrow, but i dont think there is necessarily that correlation bet the two, some ppl have a lot of loss & are happy, & for some ppl its just living that is the problem. i dunno. i'm sure your thought process has already contemplated everything mine has.

2. i got a ph call bout a month ago from some dude i hadnt talked to in bout 4 yrs & for bout 4yrs before that. i usu hated that dude cuz he'd never keep in touch, it'd be hard for me to get ahold of him, he wouldnt return mssgs,& i'd think he just didnt care enough to remember me. i thought he did alot of damage to me when i was younger & he wasnt worth talking to now cuz he didnt add anything to my life. then one day i was journaling & realized that i was upset at him for not keeping in better touch w/me, & for not being closer to me, and he would never likely apologize to me for anything that he did or didnt do, directly or indirectly thru his wife, but that maybe i could still be the one to rebuild that relationship, cuz wen i was younger, i realized, there were plenty of things that he did that did enhance my life, but i was just too torn over the other bs that went on that it was hard to remember any of the good things w/any good feelings. i'm sure i'm not cryptic enough & youre not slow enough for you to not have figured out by now that i'm talking bout my father.

there was also a time that my brother & i got into a bit of a fight over a miscommunication revolving around the birth of his 4th child. we didnt talk for several months. he sends me a txt saying that its silly for us not to talk but that he wanted an apology from me first. i was like 'wat?! you were mean to me & i was just trying to help, i should get an apology." we were both stubborn, but eventually just decided we should let it go cuz it ultimately didnt matter who was right or wrong.

ive learned in life, when you love someone, you gotta take the bad w/the good, & right & wrong doesnt matter. in relationships, ive spent too much time fighting & holding ground, which just makes everyone miserable. sometimes i apologize even when i dont feel i'm wrong at all, just to open that dialogue, move on, & heal. sometimes it gets the other person non-defensive & able to apologize, too, & sometimes it doesnt. i think, for me though, healing & repairing relationships begins w/the communication & rebuilding, not w/the apology. i dont know what your brother did to you, but i guess i'd wonder if getting an apology is so important that you can risk wasting away the relationship that you two have together while waiting for those words?

3. i liked you better wen we were more actv on ea others ljs. it was funNER
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:43 am (UTC)
Hehehe. I'll try to be more active, but life is keeping me pretty busy right now. ♥ to you anyway.
(no subject) - digitalgoth - Mar. 11th, 2008 03:51 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - phyxius - Mar. 11th, 2008 04:46 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - datamoon - Mar. 11th, 2008 03:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
mechagojira
Mar. 10th, 2008 03:34 pm (UTC)

<3!
digitalgoth
Mar. 11th, 2008 03:45 am (UTC)
♥ to you too. When do you want to arrange details about house sitting?
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