In the light of your recent failure to elect a President of your United States of America and thus govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over the all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, Member of Parliament for the 97.85% of your population who are unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be officially disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated within the next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid the transition into British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how many of you have been pronouncing it wrong. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “you know” and “like” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.
2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will inform Microsoft on your behalf.
3. You need to learn to distinguish between an English and an Australian accent. It really is not that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You need to relearn your original national anthem, “God Save the Queen”, but only after having fully carried out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.
6. You should stop playing “American football”. There is only one kind of football, and what you refer to as football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American football”. You will no longer be allowed to play it and should instead learn to play proper football. Initially it would be best if you played with girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby. Rugby is similar to “American football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies. We are hoping to get together a US rugby sevens side by at least 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using your disproportionate number of nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you that were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”.
8. July 4th will no longer be a national public holiday. November 8th will be a new national public holiday, but only in The United Kingdom. It shall be called “Indecisive Day”.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please inform us forthwith who killed President J. F. Kennedy. It has been driving us crazy.
Thank you for you cooperation,
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's Government
I lauged my ass off.