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Jul. 27th, 2004

You know how there are times when you are able to explain yourself with such precision that it startles even you when you look back and read what you wrote?

I just had a moment like that:

fanlain said "Give it and yourself time. If she loved you, she'd understand."

To which I quipped:
I don't care if she says she loves me or not anymore, because apparently her definition of love is far far inferior to the feelings that I had for her. This was demonstrated by the sheer simplicity with which she decided to tromp on my heart with a crowbar formed of the words: "I want to break up."

If she loved me, she would have understood, she would have said something else, she would have tried to work it out. I looked at it with one question in my mind; "Do I love her enough to try to work this out?", and my answer was invariably yes. Right up until the moment that she proved irrevocably that she did not love me in the same capacity. If she loved me, should would have shown it by saying something other than "I want to break up."

She can move on with her love, life, and persuit of happiness. I'm not part of it anymore and I wouldn't want to be after the infantile way in which she handled my emotions.

I intend to give myself time. But I've already wasted more time on that particular 'it' than has been needed or apparently even more than was wanted. I'm not going to devote my time to attempting to reconcile with someone like that.


Heather, I hope you're reading this. I know you read the last 2, I have trackers on them.

_X*

* Xander the not so spiteful, but very bitter.

Comments

whiskeypants
Jul. 30th, 2004 12:39 pm (UTC)
Oh but it does mean exactly that.

no, it doesn't. you are simplifying something as complicated as love and how we do things in spite of/because of/in the midst of love.

if it makes you feel better to judge her so, i'm not stopping you. but i don't think that you are making that judgment based on anything aside from your assumption that, since she didn't do things the way you would, she didn't feel as much as you did.

on the other hand, if you are going to accuse people of being infnatile, putting trackers on things to see if she's reading and then telling her you know she's reading it is really fucking infantile as well as creepy. so, i dunno.

finally, dumping somebody over the phone is not cool, and i don't think it is excusable. but there are possible reasons for it that i think you haven't even begun to consider and as long as you are feeling self-righteous and hurt about it, you never will.
digitalgoth
Jul. 30th, 2004 01:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)
*nods* I appreciate you pointing a couple things out.

I don't feel I'm judging her though. I feel that I am trying to explain why exactly she acted the way she did instead of having enough respect for me to talk to me in person.

As for the maturity level of me tracking who reads my journal... Well... Yes, I'm not very mature about that. ;) Creepy isn't really it though.

I'm not simplifying things. Or at least, I'm not trying to. I just see it like this:

If I love someone, as I did/do her, I would respect them enough as a person to give them closure and a face to face confrontation. It's not a matter of things that we do in spite of/because of/in the midst of, it's a matter of human respect. I found to be highly irritating the amount of disregard she showed for my feelings when she chose to handle things over the phone. I'm irritated that she dumped me, but more so I'm pissed off about the way in which she did it. I think that the phone call technique is probably the most hurtful way to dump someone, and as such, find it hard to believe that she loved/loves me in the same way I did/do her. I would make every effort to not intentionally hurt someone that I cared deeply about. It's not a mattter of simplification, it's a matter of respect and reverence.

I'm rambling...

What possible reasons for it are there? I've considered quite a few now that I've been stuck on the spot, but none of them really explain things any better than my current working theory:

She dislikes confrontation to the extreme. So much so, in fact, that it very nearly controls how she reacts to certain situations. In the past, with her past relationships, she has never actually 'worked' anything out. She and the guy simply broke up after the first fight. I think maybe she's simply scared of intense emotions, whether they're hers or someone else's. As such, the fact that she and I got to fight #2 was apparently too much for her. I'm aware that I'm not an easy person to get along with sometimes, but I don't think that is reason to avoid conversation entirely during times of tension.

I really have given it quite a bit of thought. Are there explanations that you can think of that you think I ought to consider?

_X
whiskeypants
Jul. 30th, 2004 02:48 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you. :)
i understand your perspective. and i agree--that's the angle i take in regard to these kinds of things.
i just fear that you are doing her and her feelings a disservice by saying that they are less because she didn't do things the way you would.

and no, i didn't come up with other suggestions. i think my point was mainly that in this kind of situation, when you aren't able to read the mind of the other person, the shades of possibility are quite numerous.

a phobia of confrontation is a big and scary thing--i don't have it, obviously, but sarah does. and it has created numerous conflicts for us and made things painful for both of us. it takes a lot of courage for her to come deal with a problem we are having in person--and i don't know if her confrontation thing is so much a phobia as it is a fear. but it--as well as a fear of what she is feeling--has led her to do and say a number of things that have hurt immensely. and she's run away from us a number of times.
so don't think i don't know how you are feeling. i'm lucky enough that she has been determined enough to keep trying (after i've talked her back into it way too many times.)
and she's told me outright that she doesn't love me as much as i love her. the funny thing is, i don't believe it anymore, because i finally figured out why she told me that.
in any case, i guess what i mean to say is that
1. i totally understand your position
2. i don't think you should assume that what she did means she felt less than you did.

(and i'm not trying to solve any problems. i swear! i just couldn't quite let this one slide, i guess i felt too strongly about it.)

also, i still think the tracking thing is creepy. not even so much that you did it, but that you said so. *shrug*
digitalgoth
Jul. 30th, 2004 02:59 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you. :)
I guess I just don't understand how she could feel as much for me as I did if she was willing to be that disrespectful of my feelings.

I wonder if we're going to see her out at a club anytime soon. I'm guessing not. That would cause confrontation.

Heather simply wasn't determined to keep trying. She was determined to have a good relationship and if it didn't look like it was going to be, she broke things off. Those are her words, not mine.

I don't see how me keeping tabs on my readers is creepy. It's my journal and I like to know who I'm talking to when I post something 'public'. I, personally, find it creepy that she still was reading my journal.

_X
whiskeypants
Jul. 30th, 2004 03:02 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you. :)
fear and love are so incompatible.

keeping tabs on your readers doesn't qualify so much as creepy. it was the whole--"i know you're reading me" thing that was creepy to me.

i don't see why it is creepy that she was reading your journal. if anything, it seems to me that it means she really does care.
digitalgoth
Jul. 30th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you. :)
I don't need proof that she cares. I know she cares/cared. What I do need is for her to either leave me alone and stay out of my life, or at least respect me enough to have a face to face talk.

I don't find it creepy that I informed her that I knew she was reading it. I find it far, far more creepy that she was still reading my journal and -not commenting- a week and a half after she dumped me.

That's like telling a stalker that you're aware of their stalking.

Fear and love are incompatible, on that we certainly agree.

_X
digitalgoth
Jul. 30th, 2004 04:08 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you. :)
I guess I should have phrased it like this:
I keep track of who reads my journal.

I didn't specifically track those two entries looking to see if she read them. I checked my hit-log and was rather surprised to see her IP on it.

_X

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