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Jul. 27th, 2004

You know how there are times when you are able to explain yourself with such precision that it startles even you when you look back and read what you wrote?

I just had a moment like that:

fanlain said "Give it and yourself time. If she loved you, she'd understand."

To which I quipped:
I don't care if she says she loves me or not anymore, because apparently her definition of love is far far inferior to the feelings that I had for her. This was demonstrated by the sheer simplicity with which she decided to tromp on my heart with a crowbar formed of the words: "I want to break up."

If she loved me, she would have understood, she would have said something else, she would have tried to work it out. I looked at it with one question in my mind; "Do I love her enough to try to work this out?", and my answer was invariably yes. Right up until the moment that she proved irrevocably that she did not love me in the same capacity. If she loved me, should would have shown it by saying something other than "I want to break up."

She can move on with her love, life, and persuit of happiness. I'm not part of it anymore and I wouldn't want to be after the infantile way in which she handled my emotions.

I intend to give myself time. But I've already wasted more time on that particular 'it' than has been needed or apparently even more than was wanted. I'm not going to devote my time to attempting to reconcile with someone like that.


Heather, I hope you're reading this. I know you read the last 2, I have trackers on them.

_X*

* Xander the not so spiteful, but very bitter.

Comments

datamoon
Jul. 28th, 2004 06:09 pm (UTC)
i'm inclined to agree. you are hurt and upset, and thats totally valid. but please dont assume that she doesnt care about you, or not as much as you care about her just bc of her reaction. i mean, you already know that you two have differences of opinions, and this might be another diff way of showing things. you havent had all of her past experiences, so you dont know if she is reacting this way bc life taught her thats the way to do it. it doesnt excuse her action, but maybe she's afraid and not sure what to do. maybe she needs coaxing from you to do the right thing TOGETHER, maybe she doesnt know how to do it. then you decide if you love her enough to try once more, or if you dont care enough to fight for her. there's only so much you can try...but you can at least try that much until youve decided that w/o a doubt youve tried hard and wont regret anything else. and if she does read all this, i hope if she does care she can at least realize she needs to make even a teensy step to show you that too. sometimes emotions frighten ppl, its a strange thing, but everyone is succeptable no matter how well they think they know whats going on. i hope it has a happy ending[rebeginning]
digitalgoth
Jul. 29th, 2004 07:10 pm (UTC)
She's not going to get any coaxing from me. Of any sort. Not now, not next week, not next month. Never.

I don't give that sort of second chance to people that trample my heart.

It was not a happy ending, nor do I expect to have it improve. But it was an ending, and not just a pause.

_X
datamoon
Jul. 30th, 2004 04:24 am (UTC)
only the ppl you love have the ability to hurt you the worst. if you never expect to allow someone you love to hurt you, then dont fall in love
digitalgoth
Jul. 30th, 2004 12:00 pm (UTC)
Dear, you're heading off into left field.

It's not that I'm not giving her a second chance because she hurt me. It's that I'm not giving her a second chance because of -how- she hurt me. Due to the way in which she chose to handle it, I learned a bit more about how she operates. And I didn't like it. Not because it hurt (it did), but because it indicated to me a certain lack of moral principle that I feel to be necessary to an operational relationship.

I know love hurts. I know that the people that you love the most have the most capacity to hurt you. That doesn't mean that I have to be hurt to realize that the person loves me. I know she did/does. I just don't happen to believe anymore that her version of 'love' is equivalent to mine.

_X

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