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Two steps forward and one step back. Two steps forward and one step back. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

I didn't get any sleep last night. Not a single wink... Ok.. well... maybe a few winks... It's very odd to realize that you have no where to go at 2am when you and your significantly more significant other and you have a tiff. I guess it's not so much odd as it is lonely. Walking through Golden Gate Park at 4am was interesting though, I must say. You certainly hear interesting things/conversations/animals/sex... Very odd.

So a tiff it was. One hell of a tiff. I even slammed the door on my way out into the cold lonely night, without the keys to my brother's apartment where I could have gotten some warm sleep... Wow, aren't I the intelligent one there?

So at this point I don't know what to think, or say. I don't know where things stand because I haven't heard from her. I'm not going to call her because she's probably still pissed at me for being a "big jerk", and for "not calling when I plainly should have", and other... But I'm not going to call because by god, I love her enough to stand up and be my own person and stick to my beliefs. That's a big part of what makes me who I am, and if she says she loves me then I would think that she wouldn't want me to undergo a vast personality change...

I suppose that entire paragraph might even sound like I'm rationalizing it. I really don't think I am though...

I think that it simply came to a head because I didn't back down for once. Because I stuck to how I felt and didn't apologize for something that I believe was the correct thing to do. Sure, I could have been the peacemaker and just succumbed and given up the argument, but for god's sake, I'm my own person. I think that a large part of what makes me who I am is the fact that when I know something is right, I stick to it. When I have hard proof that something is right or true then I stick to it even through an argument or emotional breakdown.

I hope she doesn't stay mad at me for too long. She's been my guiding light out here for 7 and a half months, and I would feel rather lost without her.


_X

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
whiskeypants
Jul. 17th, 2004 06:40 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
let me know if there is anything, in my vicodin-addled state, that i can do for you, hon. you've got my number.

kragen
Jul. 17th, 2004 06:43 pm (UTC)
keys
You know, I would have let you in had you rung the doorbell.

I think you should call her. Calling her doesn't imply not standing up or not being your own person or not sticking to your beliefs; it's just the first necessary step towards healing.
digitalgoth
Jul. 18th, 2004 11:43 pm (UTC)
Re: keys
Yup. I called her. Left a message. That was right after I got off of work.

She called and I didn't get a chance to say "I'm sorry".

Two steps forward and 5 steps back.

_X
angelwings0713
Jul. 17th, 2004 06:50 pm (UTC)
tiffs suck, esp when they are about something important, so you can't just agree with the other person to make it end...I'd call though. Say you should get together and work stuff out...then you should get together and work stuff out. Unless it's a VERY fundamental problem, as in she's decided she's a lesbian, but loves you too much to let you go and wants you to change your sex through surgery, love will conquer all.

I'm not sure how coherent I am right now given the fact that I've been sick all day...but you get the picture. Silence sometimes seems like you don't want anything to do with her.
vara_design
Jul. 17th, 2004 07:27 pm (UTC)
i'm sure you guys will work through this soon. of course, the key to that is that when you both cool down you need to talk! best of luck. *hugs*
digitalgoth
Jul. 18th, 2004 11:44 pm (UTC)
I certainly would be crying less right now if we had. Thank you for the hug though.

_X
_sweetangel
Jul. 17th, 2004 07:52 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

I am sorry, honey. I hope things will work out between you two. Sincerely.
datamoon
Jul. 18th, 2004 07:41 am (UTC)
your friends said some important things here. i'd also like to add--dude, dont be a dumbass! sometimes its hard to know who should call who first, but you just gotta swallow your pride and do it. youre the one who left, right? so she might be thinking you dont want to talk to her, and thus may be afraid to call you.

anyway, if you call her you should apologize...but only apologize for walking out and not calling [she may be worried]. you do not have to apologize for how you felt, or what the argument was over in the first place. then, you need to decide how important this opinion/feeling of yours is anyway. i mean...is it like: you think killing puppies is bad, and she thinks its ok; or more like: you think killing puppies is bad but she tells you that you have to do it? do you get it? if your diff of opinion wont usually interfere w/your relationship...youve heard it before--agree to disagree...agree to make it a touchy subject that you can discuss politely, or a touchy subject that youll both avoid if possible.

think real hard about how much you love her...and make sure you tell her that. my bf and i have some very passionate disagreements and diffs of opinions, but itll never chg that we love ea other, we just recog these things and avoid them. typically, none of them have to do w/our personal relationship, so they arent that important in the grand scheme of "us." if you think thats the case in your relationship, she'll be a better woman to know that you feel that way, and unless she's psycho, she'll be likely to agree that you both can have your own feelngs/opinions and just try to give some leeway so that this doesnt interfere in your personal life.

and again, maybe this has nothing to do w/you. i dunno if you had a fight bc you leave your undies everywhere and its just "who you are" or if youre arguing over telling a friend that their sig other is cheating on them...[fuck, my bf and i once had a fight over whether it was right to kill prairie dogs by pouring gas down the holes and lighting a match, and although we'll prob never agree, we avoid it like the plague bc it wont affect us]. now, if it is a diff in opinion based on diffs in how you both want to live, and neither of you want to compromise so neither of you will be happy...well, again, remind yourself of how much you love her and if youll miss her when she's gone.
digitalgoth
Jul. 18th, 2004 11:45 pm (UTC)
Well, I reminded myself how much I love her. Now I'm noticing how much I miss her now that she's gone.

_X
datamoon
Jul. 19th, 2004 02:51 pm (UTC)
good luck
viruswshoes
Jul. 18th, 2004 12:25 pm (UTC)
Sorry about the fight. Hope everything gets resolved soon.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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